I wish I knew the right combination of letters needed to properly articulate the awkward sound of apprehension that just oozed out of my mouth after typing that title. You know that sound right? Somewhere between “oh” and “agh” but completely permeated with an essence of avoidance… Oh! Just me? Well, that’s uncomfortable.
I know this might be a little off topic, because I usually aim for inspiring and travel related topics. But I wanted to share my thoughts and struggles because I have been contemplating my insecurities a lot lately. I’ve been trying to sort through them, figure out which ones are valid, which are excessive, which are beneficial, and which are just plain stupid. Apparently I’m not the only person who struggles with insecurities, according to all the Instagram Reels and articles on ‘Imposter Syndrome,” but it also isn’t something we normally talk about. Obviously, because it takes courage to be vulnerable and open about the things you don’t like about yourself, or areas where you consistently feel insufficient; and that level of confidence almost feels counter-intuitive to the idea of insecurities, but if no one talks about them, how am I supposed to know that we all have them? Nevertheless, because it makes me feel more comfortable, I’m going to charge forward with this topic like we’re all in the same lifeboat being tossed about by the same internal storm.
If I was really brave (and had infinite time to type them up) I could share a list of all my insecurities, but realistically, there isn’t enough metaphorical ink in the world for that list and you would get bored of reading it long before I finished. Besides, it isn’t the actual insecurities that are so thought provoking, it’s the way they invade and affect our lives that stirs up so much contemplation. And they’re everywhere; they’re like bunnies (Ooo, that’s a word picture I like). Where I live bunnies are freaking everywhere, sometimes they’re hiding in bushes or in the grass, or they are just chilling on the sidewalk; sometimes they jump out and surprise you, but other times you see them a long way off and can circumnavigate them or greet them kindly to let them know you are approaching.
Insecurities are kind of the same way. Some are “out in open.” You deal with them everyday, you know how to talk to them and how to think your way around them. They don’t have a huge impact on your life, they’re just there. Others are hiding in the bushes of your mind and dart across your path when you least expect it, catching you completely off guard. You’re just left there, frozen for a second with nothing but the exclamation, “Where the crap did that come from?!”
Honestly though, the ones that concern me the most, are the ones that I have fed, taken home, and turned it pets. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The insecurities that you have adopted into your personality. The ones you nurture and care for; the ones that have moved into your mind and somewhere along the way you gave them a green card and invited them to stay long term. Those are the ones that I have been thinking about. I use them like guard dogs for my heart. They are the lies I tell myself to avoid romantic relationships: “I’m not pretty enough”, “A man like that would never be interested in me”, “No one has the patience to put up with my constant need for reassurance”. They are the words I use to cheat myself out of new friendships: “I’m weird, no one is interested in the same things as me”, “My life is boring, why would anyone want to talk with me”, “I’m not special, there is nothing I provide that people can’t get from someone else”. I even use them to limit myself professionally and creatively: “It’s not that hard, if I can do it, so could anyone else”, “I’m no expert, why would anyone want to hear my opinion on that?”
The craziest part about all that… is that’s all me.
Here’s what I mean, I am blessed with an unbelievably supportive, kind, and loving community of friends and family, and all those lies, insecurities, and words: I tell them to myself! It is my own mind that drags me through the emotional trash bin, no one else! It’s shocking and irrational because my friends and family are so encouraging. They say I’m beautiful and that I got curves in all the right places. They call me funny, smart, kind, entertaining. Heck, they’re even awestruck by my unabashed commitment to performance when we play charades! These same people tell me that I am talented, that I see things in special and unique ways and that it is a good thing. They encourage me to share my thoughts and photography, because they see a value in my unique perspective and my heart that I don’t see myself.
Truthfully, I think that is the part that confounds me the most. The fact that I am surrounded by people who support and encourage me, who are always speaking truth into my life and reminding me that I am, by the grace of God, enough and worthy. Yet in spite of all that, I often listen to my own mind, which just sits there and calmly instills doubt by whispering: “yeah, but…”
I wish I could say that I have figured out a cure for insecurities or that I am making some new resolution, but if I had a solution for my insecurities, I wouldn’t have them anymore and I wouldn’t have written this post. I mostly just felt the need to share. If you made it this far, thanks for listening and I hope you got something of value from this. Even if it is nothing more than the desire to start referring to your insecurities as funny little bunnies. I kinda want to.
Sojourn Nation 