I’m Obsessed!

Ok, honest question time. Do you have something in your life that you might spend too much time on? And I’m not talking about the job you do to pay your bills, I mean the thing you do in your off hours, on weekends, and free of charge. It’s the thing that uses up your time, your money, and your energy.

I do.

If I am perfectly honest, when I got the writing prompt this week… it felt like someone knocked the wind out of me and my voice went all small and nervous as I *gasped* and exhaled the words “oh no.” Why so visceral a reaction to the idea of writing about my current obsession? Because I am still growing into it, if that makes sense. This multi-faceted obsession of mine is kinda new and I love it! It makes me excited, and happy, and I can’t quite get enough of it. So when people are dismissive of it, or look at me like I am weird or crazy because of it, it hurts. And I have to actively work at not taking the rejection of my passion, as a rejection of me on a personal level.

Alas, vulnerability builds community. So here we go!

In March or April of 2020, when everyone was making sourdough and watching Tiger King, my sister-in-law introduced me to Crash Landing on You, which is a South Korean TV Drama (Kdrama). I was enthralled. I think I watched all 16 episodes (which were about an hour and a half, each) in under a week. Each new Kdrama recommendation from my sister-in-law hooked me further. These stories had me laughing, crying, and sighing in anticipation as I eagerly waited with the characters to find out what unexpected surprise was around the corner. I spent so much time consuming these dramas, that I started to learn a few Korean phrases and now am trying to learn the language (Have I made a lot of progress? Not yet, but I’m working on it and will get there eventually). I would come across new favorite actors and actresses that I would Google to find out what other dramas they were in, and subsequently pray that I could find them on Netflix. I must have Googled a lot because by August, the “all-knowing algorithm” introduced me to the next facet of my obsession. KPOP.

Now, allow me to get real transparent for a minute. It was 2020. Every time I turned on the news, it was either about Covid-19 or racism and social injustice. So when I first heard Dynamite by BTS, my thought process went exactly as follows:

  1. Oh my gosh, I freaking love this song!
  2. Who’s this by?
  3. What’s the music video like?
  4. Who’s that cutie in the green suit?
  5. *Search BTS band members to find answer to previous question*
  6. *pause, squint in concentration, have terrifying realization*

“Sh**! I can’t tell who is who.”

Now, I don’t know how to properly express the wave of fear that bubbled through me, as a white American in 2020, when I realized I couldn’t entirely distinguish between all seven of these Korean men because their photos had different hairstyles, make-up, piercings, hair color, etc. than I had just seen in the music video. I can tell you that my very next thought was:

“Heck no! This is unacceptable, Amy. You will study their faces until you can tell them apart, regardless of hairstyle, hair color, etc.”

And study I did. I watched interviews, music videos, live performances, clips from their web series Run BTS. I watched whatever I could get my hands on until I knew their faces, their smiles, their sense of humor. Obviously, after pouring hours of my time into researching these guys, I became a fan. I listened to their older albums, solo albums, pop songs, rap songs, hip-hop songs, and the more I listened, the more recommendations I got for other KPOP groups. The more groups I listened to, the more I liked KPOP, and the more I looked for other Korean music to enjoy (Did you know that there is a genre called Trot Music? I love it, it is so peppy. Check out one of my favorite songs here).

Whether it is through music or dramas, each new discovery stirs up more curiosity. I’ll see a funeral in a drama and research the significance of their mourning clothes. Or I’ll hear a KPOP artist mention Kimchi Fried Rice and then look up recipes to try. And the best part is that Korean content is pretty popular right now, so new content is being added all the time. So from finding history books at the library to following creators on Instagram who post Korean Language tutorials, even though I live on the other side of the Pacific, in a different culture and country, I still get to experience parts of their culture and learn more about it all the time… and I freaking love it!

Ok, so now it’s your turn to be brave and share. What are you obsessed about? What are you passionate about and just can’t quite get enough of? Let me know in the comments below. I can’t wait to hear all about it.

The Personal Side of History

I have been thinking a lot about history lately, which fills my head with unattributed quotes like: “History is written by the victors” and “Those who forget their history are destined to repeat it.” History, also, always feels distant, as though it has only ever been something that happened long ago, or far away, even though I have lived during quite a few historic events. Oh, that sentence right there, has a little bit of disassociation to it, didn’t it? I have lived “during” historic events but not “through” them. Do you ever do that too?

Yet, the thought that keeps popping up in my mind lately is the realization that history isn’t as distant, nor as impersonal as I often make it in my mind. History isn’t just old wars, fallen empires and dynasties. It isn’t just old buildings, famous artworks, notable people, or significant dates. Those are just the specifics that we choose to record, but mixed in and surrounding the events, achievements, and tragedies that we focus on are a multitude of people who had their own experiences tied to those events. Have you ever thought through your experience of history? When I do, there is a mixture of incidents that changed how I got to live life, how I viewed the world, and some that, while they would have an immense impact on others, created little more than an anecdotal story for me.

The impactful events were the ones where even though I wasn’t there, I remember where I was. Like the Columbine High School shooting and September 11th.

I was only 11 when the Columbine shooting happened and it was the first time I can remember something on the news scarring my little heart. The image that always comes to mind is that of a teenage boy climbing out a second story window trying to escape the shooters. I remember our mom taking us a few weeks later to the school, seeing the windows that were broken, then boarded up, and climbing a hill to visit a memorial for the students and teachers that lost their lives, walking by each little cross. It seem strange when its impact shows up in my adult life. Sometimes it’s just a brief sadness when I see a Columbine flower, once it was seeing a new high school being built and thinking “Why are the windows so small? You couldn’t escape through those if you needed to.”

September 11th, 2001 changed the lives of most Americans and I can’t even imagine the effect it had on the friends and families of the nearly 3000 people who died that day. It was the morning that my mom woke me up and said, “Amy, you need to get up and come watch the news. History is happening.” It marked the end of “field trips” to the airport to ride the “subway” at DIA, and brought into question the safety of our daily routine. I remember being wary to go to my church youth group the next day, for fear of attack (I ended up going and remember us all sitting in a circle on the gymnasium floor talking about what we were feeling and trying to processing all the things).

One historic event that feels almost like a footnote to me but was transformative to others has to be the Egyptian Uprising in 2011. It’s still a little surreal to think about. There I was, my first time ever traveling internationally, and there’s a revolt. At only 23-years-old, I was pretty oblivious to any unrest for the first part of our trip. I was enthralled in experiencing a different culture, learning about ancient Egypt, and walking through museums, temples, and tombs. My first clue that something was up, was when were on a little cruise ship traveling down the Nile. They had a TV sitting in the corner of the foyer on the ship, it always had the news on, but one day I noticed that instead of people just walking past, glancing at the TV, the staff was huddled around it. A few hours later they made an announcement that there were protests happening in Cairo and that they were giving us all a free phone call home to let our families know that we were safe. For me it is a unique story, for our tour guide, it was the catalyst for her career change.

The last few years have felt pretty historic too. With all the talk about unprecedented times and now a world war, thinking about the personal side of history helps me keep things in perspective. Because sometimes the history of today feels overwhelming, and the history of the past feels like it was handled by people who are larger than life. When in reality, just like I have my personal experience for historic events now, there are millions of untold stories from average people like you and me, who lived through the massive historic events of the past. Stories of people who pressed on through pandemics, world wars, and economic and political collapse.

They made it through… and so can we.

The Most Important Question

My friend Val gave me a writing prompt a few days ago, along with the challenge to write every two weeks. Which, if you look through my post history, you will see is quite a challenge. **Insert uncomfortable smirk here** The prompt came from a podcast she listens to by Kara Loewentheil and the episode centered around the idea of “what is the most important question you can ask yourself”. Kara shared that she believes it is “will I regret this when I am done?” It’s the question she uses to step back and evaluate her decisions from the perspective of her life as a whole, not just in that moment. It is also how she aligns her choices with who she ultimately wants to be.

Will I regret this when I am done?

It honestly is a great question, one that I don’t think I have really asked myself before. But as I sit here in a coffee shop, not in the midst of a life altering choice, it stirs up a different set of questions:

What are my regrets? And what is the core reason for that regret?

As I think over my life so far, I don’t regret much. That’s not to say that my life has gone according to any of my plans though. 12-year-old me would wonder why I’m not a famous singer who is married to Lance Bass, where as 34-year-old me knows there is a very obvious reason why marrying Lance Bass would not have worked out well. 16-year-old me was ready to join the Air Force and revolve my life around my high school crush, who I don’t even talk to anymore. I don’t even think we are friends on Facebook, and I have friends on Facebook that I only met for two days, over ten years ago. I have lost friendships and loved ones, forgotten birthdays and recitals, failed at overcoming hurdles and given up on dreams. But ultimately my regrets boil down to just two.

The first is Alex. Back in junior high, he was a friend of a friend. Honestly, we were acquaintances more than anything, I think. I don’t even know his last name, I mostly just remember that he played soccer. I think he was the first person I knew who played that sport. Anyways, back then I was really insecure about my memory. I know what you’re thinking… “You were insecure about what?!” But it’s true. I had an insanely good memory, I would remember the most ridiculous facts and almost never forgot a face. And trust me, I get your skepticism. An intensely good memory would strike you as more of a funny quirk or a good party trick, maybe really useful for trivia, but a driver of insecurities? No way. However, in high school, when all any of us want is to be accepted, the consistent reminder that you have vivid and specific memories of people who completely forgot you exist, starts to hurt after a while.

So I started to play it cool. I stopped being quite so excited to see people I used to know, and that day I feigned forgetfulness. It was the first time I had seen him in probably five years, which in high school was still a significant amount of time. Our mutual friend had brought him to church and I remember him greeting me with such a big smile. He seemed so happy to see a familiar face and I, in a moment of true hypocrisy, acted like I only vaguely remembered him, when in reality I knew precisely who he was and was excited to see him again. I regretted it instantly, as I watched the smile fade away from his face. The stupidest part of all, is I literally hurt him in the exact same way I had been hurt and was trying to avoid.

My second regret will not be named. Mostly because I think he still follows me on Instagram and too many of my friends know who he is. So, anonymity will be the name of the game for this one. It took me too many years to realize, but his was a friendship I took for granted and I genuinely wish I hadn’t. Back then we worked at the same company but in different departments and for me, the job was overwhelming some of the time, underpaid all of the time, and sprinkled with joyous moments of camaraderie with coworkers. It’s one of those jobs that I will never go back to voluntarily, but will always remember fondly because of all the fun times with friends I had while working there.

He was a really good friend. So supportive, always there to give me a hug when I needed one. I look back in awe of the conversations we had, the insecurities I shared, how encouraging he could be. I laugh when I think of the few times he unwittingly insulted me, like when he called me flirty or said I reminded him of She-Hulk. Ha, I don’t think I have ever seen a man backpaddle so fast. Truthfully, I liked him a lot and I liked him as more than just a friend, but every time I felt my heart grow a little too attached, I would remind myself that there was no way a guy like him could ever be interested in me. I was so busy keeping my guard up, trying to make sure I never got hurt, that it took a few years for me to realize I may have been wrong.

Granted, I don’t really know either way. Maybe he really only ever saw me as a friend and I am needlessly carrying around this guilt. I don’t get to talk to him anymore, so I have no idea how he felt back then. What I do know is that towards the end of our friendship, I set a boundary out of fear and because of my own insecurities, I expressed it in the most ambiguous way possible. And when I consider how he reacted, I worry that I hurt him with my words.

So what do my two regrets have in common?

Both times my fear of rejection led to actions that hurt others in the exact way I didn’t want to be hurt. And I wish it hadn’t.

Deep down, I want to be braver than that. With my heart, my time, my energy. I don’t want to keep living a life where I hold back because I don’t have enough data to be confident of the outcome. Too often the questions I ask are: What if I fail? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I get hurt? What if I end up looking like an idiot? What if they think I am weird?

Well, I have failed at things. Things have not worked out. I have been hurt, I have been an idiot, and people have definitely called me weird. But I’m still here. I’m still alive and there are people who still love and accept me. The important question I want to start asking myself is this:

Regardless of if I succeed or fail, will I regret it if I don’t at least try?

…And Now I Have a Goal!

I love Colorado. Regardless of how often I might complain about the increasing traffic and the ridiculous housing prices, I still can’t convince myself to call anywhere else home. And if I’m honest, I can’t really blame myself either. It is too gorgeous here to ever want to leave. Whether you stick to the Rocky Mountains and central Colorado, or you venture out to all four corners of our beloved state, you will be presented with nature’s beauty wherever you go. Thankfully, we Coloradans have recognized how blessed we are and have multiple State Parks to prove it.

So, in order to share all of this wonderful goodness with you all, I am going to visit all 48 Colorado State Parks and write a review/guide to all of them. It’s an idea that I have been chewing on for a few months (my standard rumination period being between three months and eternity), and I think I am finally ready to commit. It is a goal that is:

  1. Financially Plausible (number one on the list for an important and realistic reason)
  2. Physically Possible (albeit bound to challenge me at times, but hey, who knows, maybe it will make me a healthier person)
  3. Inclusive of Multiple Passions (Adventuring, writing, taking photos, and laughing at myself to name a few, besides, I’m pretty sure spending countless hours in nature instead of on Instagram is like a panacea for my mental health)

So, I hope you will join me on this endeavor (maybe even keep me accountable). I don’t know how long it will take, because I also have to work to pay my bills, but regardless of how long it takes, I am excited for the journey.

Love, Loss, and in Between

Today would have been my Mom’s 57th birthday.

She passed away in May of last year and this is the second birthday she hasn’t been here for. She has missed two Mother’s Days, two Thanksgivings, and one Christmas. I’m not entirely sure why I feel the need to count the missed holidays, but I do.

Today was also, one of the first snows in Denver this winter; Which made me chuckle, because my Mom hated the cold. Like the picked up and moved to the southern most part of New Mexico kind of hated the cold.

I know that we all grieve differently, just like the same person’s death affects people differently, even within the same family. It’s one of the intricacies of this life that will leave my mind spinning if I contemplate it too much. But I also know, that I am not the only person to have lost a loved one in the last few years. Plainly put I am not the only person to have lost a loved one, period. And when I came upstairs, and got into bed, my plan was to stream K-drama until I fell asleep or couldn’t read the subtitles anymore. I definitely wasn’t planning on writing about my Mom spur of the moment like this, but I also feel like it’s time.

I love my Mom. She was by no means perfect, but I still loved her a lot.

She is where I got my sense of adventure and my love of road trips. I can’t even count the number of times we would be driving home from somewhere and she would essentially announce to us kids, “Let’s get lost today” and then take random turns until we no longer knew where we were. Once we were thoroughly lost, she would keep the mountains on her left and drive north until she saw places she recognized. Don’t forget, this was all before GPS and smart phones, so… eventually she had to upgrade from the AAA State Maps we got for free from my Grandparents to an inch thick state atlas that had every inch of Colorado mapped out. She taught me how to read a map; not just north, south, east, west, but like how many miles in between towns and what your exit number is going to be.

She shared with me her love of language and learning. She always encouraged us kids to learn Spanish. I don’t know where my siblings have landed on the Spanish vocabulary spectrum, but my ability is pretty well limited to ordering food, asking where things are, and a pathetic joke regarding my lack of vocab, which leaves the hearer thinking, “Oh, poor gringa. You’re so not funny, it’s almost funny.” She also homeschooled all three of us kids for most, if not all, of our K-12 academic careers, so until college, any Spanish we learned, we learned from her. I still remember her trick for memorizing the Spanish word for dress, “El Vestido. Just think Elvis, in a Speedo.” I’m not completely sure why it worked, it may have something to do with, as a six year old, the trauma of picturing a fat Elvis in a Speedo, but I have never forgotten the word for dress.

When I was younger she would take me to dance classes or gymnastics, help me learn my lines for church skits or play piano while I sang a solo at church. She used to braid my hair, curl my hair, even perm or dye my hair; but most importantly, she would try to fix my hair when as a child I would try to cut my own hair. She taught me how to cook, how to follow a recipe and how to cook without a recipe. I remember one time I decided I wanted to earn money by running a “post office” for our house and she fully supported that entrepreneurial spirit. She let me put addresses on everyone’s bedroom doors and I even setup a little “kiosk” where my family could buy stamps for a penny, leave their letters, and I would deliver them. She even sent me a letter, which I then got to deliver to myself. It was pretty great.

When I was in my pre-teens, my Mom started having health problems. To this day, I can’t tell if it was the physical pain, the medication side-effects, or just her own disappointment in her life, or maybe a combination of all the above, but for the later half of my childhood I slowly watched my mom fade. She went from a vibrant, intelligent, loving, supportive woman (who, albeit, could have a rough temper and probably should have been in counseling for some other things I won’t get into, because this is still the internet), into a mound on her bed, surrounded by pets. When I was younger, I didn’t think much about it. I played with friends and my siblings, and I watched TV. Homeschooling turned into “Un-schooling” (picture, Montessori, only less structured), which eventually turned into no schooling.

As I got older, it got a lot harder. The ratio of loving to criticizing comments shifted to the latter. My Mom’s once energetic support was replace with exhaustion fueled doubt, and sometimes I would be told that my need for affection was draining. Don’t get me wrong, my parents loved me and I love them too. My dad worked his tail off to provide for our family and was a steady rock. When she had the energy, my mom would spend hours listening to me talk about boys, or watch my favorite TV shows with me; she tried to share in the parts of my life that she could. But there were also a lot of times when she would make me feel like I wasn’t enough. Not broken enough to need her help, not capable enough to do things on my own. Not worth her energy, her effort, or heaven forbid her discomfort. And that hurt. A lot.

Oof, that got heavy real quick, didn’t it?

So, why would I share the difficult as well as the lovely aspects of my Mom today? Because the hardest part for me, about grieving, hasn’t been missing my Mom. I do miss her sometimes. I miss getting to talk to her about things in life that excite me or stuff that annoys the crap out of me. In the last year or so of her life, our relationship was getting better. What I have been mourning the most hasn’t been my Mom, but rather all the years that were wasted; because if I am honest, the saddest part about losing my Mom, is how quickly I moved on and how little it feels like it affected my life. I had stopped expecting her to be a stable and consistent part of my life a long time ago, because for a period in my Mom’s life, if a relationship or situation wasn’t comfortable, fulfilling, or satisfying for her, she stop seeing a need to invest in it. So for a time, I learned to not need my Mom, and it was a pattern I easily stepped back into once she was gone.

So today, as I went about my work day with little trouble, I was a little proud of myself, for making it through without any of the tears I feared would show up unbidden. But then as I was driving home, I felt a little guilty for not being sad. And as I contemplated the aforementioned negative aspects of my relationship with my Mom, I was reminded that it wasn’t all bad and regardless of how much she did or didn’t show it sometimes, my mom truly did love me, to the best of her stunted abilities, and that’s enough. It doesn’t change the past, but it feels like the start of understanding and acceptance.

I love you, Mom. I am grateful to God that you were my Mom and for all the love you had for me. Happy birthday.

12/10

Travel Time Out

I love to travel! A fact which, if you know me at all or have read any of my other writing, is in no way surprising. I could spend hours floating in the ocean, hanging in a hammock in the mountains, or driving through “flyover” states. For reasons I don’t fully understand, I am the nicest, most outgoing version of myself when there is a 99% chance that I will never meet you again in my life. Sitting in an independent coffee shop or diner in a small town and listening to locals shoot the breeze is almost a guilty pleasure with how much I enjoy it.

I love international travel! The excitement of getting to learn parts of a new language is overwhelmingly exceeded by the joy of actually getting to communicate in a different language. Please note that this is not a brag on my language skills, because those skills are usually limited to: “Yes,” “No,” “I don’t speak your language,” “Do you speak English?”, and “I am an American”. However, when I think back on the times I have gotten to communicate with people in their native tongue, I am blown away with a surreal sense of awe. The same is true with experiencing other cultures; seeing the different and sometimes similar ways that people live their life around the world is amazing.

So why, with all this love and insatiable hunger for travel, am writing a post called “Travel Time Out”? Simply put… I am not independently wealthy! You may now take a moment of either silence or laughter in order to commiserate in my pain. Trust me, I have laughed, I have cried… I am trying to work on my gratitude. But truthfully, I am mostly reminding myself that this is only for a season.

Back in March of this year I had a breakdown in my “adult” façade which lead to me being honest with myself and ultimately my brother (who is infinitely wiser than me), that I had no idea what I was doing with my finances. There I was with $7.00 in my checking until payday, thinking over my paystubs: “I am making almost as much as my dad did when I was a kid and he housed and fed a family of 5 on his salary. I know inflation sucks, but what the heck?!”

Granted, looking back, I can see how I landed myself in this situation. In January of 2019, I quit my full-time job with nothing in my savings besides but my Holiday bonus, so I could go back to school to become a Mechanical Engineer. Fast forward to August, I get kicked off financial aid with no warning and lose my work study job (FYI, you are not eligible for unemployment when the job you lost was a student work study program). Thankfully, between cashing in a couple savings bonds, dashing for Door Dash, and a credit limit that is higher than I should be trusted with, I was able to make my rent and keep fed until I landed a corporate job.

And then… 2020. It was a year that left most of us speechless as we wished and longed for some frickin’ “precedented” times. Enough said. I am grateful though and know that I was blessed beyond measure to have been employed throughout 2020. However, between furloughs and some type of cabin fever that turned Amazon shopping into a form of entertainment… let’s just say I could have made better financial choices in life.

So here I am, 7 months in on a 2-3 year journey to becoming debt free and it is the good kind of hard. I still love travel and that is part of the reason for my travel time out. The dream is to be out there in the world, meeting people and sharing their stories. Seeing amazing sights and trying to capture their beauty for others to see. However, in order to make that dream a reality, I have to focus on removing the hindrance of debt. And it was a lot easier (and faster) to build that hurdle, than it will be to knock it down.

I do hope you will bear with me while I keep my travels local. I know some people have been asking me when my next big trip is and it has been a little discouraging to respond with “No plans as of yet.” On the upside, I do live in Colorado, which means majestic views and fascinating stories are pretty close by.

So… Let’s Talk Insecurities

I wish I knew the right combination of letters needed to properly articulate the awkward sound of apprehension that just oozed out of my mouth after typing that title. You know that sound right? Somewhere between “oh” and “agh” but completely permeated with an essence of avoidance… Oh! Just me? Well, that’s uncomfortable.

I know this might be a little off topic, because I usually aim for inspiring and travel related topics. But I wanted to share my thoughts and struggles because I have been contemplating my insecurities a lot lately. I’ve been trying to sort through them, figure out which ones are valid, which are excessive, which are beneficial, and which are just plain stupid. Apparently I’m not the only person who struggles with insecurities, according to all the Instagram Reels and articles on ‘Imposter Syndrome,” but it also isn’t something we normally talk about. Obviously, because it takes courage to be vulnerable and open about the things you don’t like about yourself, or areas where you consistently feel insufficient; and that level of confidence almost feels counter-intuitive to the idea of insecurities, but if no one talks about them, how am I supposed to know that we all have them? Nevertheless, because it makes me feel more comfortable, I’m going to charge forward with this topic like we’re all in the same lifeboat being tossed about by the same internal storm.

If I was really brave (and had infinite time to type them up) I could share a list of all my insecurities, but realistically, there isn’t enough metaphorical ink in the world for that list and you would get bored of reading it long before I finished. Besides, it isn’t the actual insecurities that are so thought provoking, it’s the way they invade and affect our lives that stirs up so much contemplation. And they’re everywhere; they’re like bunnies (Ooo, that’s a word picture I like). Where I live bunnies are freaking everywhere, sometimes they’re hiding in bushes or in the grass, or they are just chilling on the sidewalk; sometimes they jump out and surprise you, but other times you see them a long way off and can circumnavigate them or greet them kindly to let them know you are approaching.

Insecurities are kind of the same way. Some are “out in open.” You deal with them everyday, you know how to talk to them and how to think your way around them. They don’t have a huge impact on your life, they’re just there. Others are hiding in the bushes of your mind and dart across your path when you least expect it, catching you completely off guard. You’re just left there, frozen for a second with nothing but the exclamation, “Where the crap did that come from?!”

Honestly though, the ones that concern me the most, are the ones that I have fed, taken home, and turned it pets. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The insecurities that you have adopted into your personality. The ones you nurture and care for; the ones that have moved into your mind and somewhere along the way you gave them a green card and invited them to stay long term. Those are the ones that I have been thinking about. I use them like guard dogs for my heart. They are the lies I tell myself to avoid romantic relationships: “I’m not pretty enough”, “A man like that would never be interested in me”, “No one has the patience to put up with my constant need for reassurance”. They are the words I use to cheat myself out of new friendships: “I’m weird, no one is interested in the same things as me”, “My life is boring, why would anyone want to talk with me”, “I’m not special, there is nothing I provide that people can’t get from someone else”. I even use them to limit myself professionally and creatively: “It’s not that hard, if I can do it, so could anyone else”, “I’m no expert, why would anyone want to hear my opinion on that?”

The craziest part about all that… is that’s all me.

Here’s what I mean, I am blessed with an unbelievably supportive, kind, and loving community of friends and family, and all those lies, insecurities, and words: I tell them to myself! It is my own mind that drags me through the emotional trash bin, no one else! It’s shocking and irrational because my friends and family are so encouraging. They say I’m beautiful and that I got curves in all the right places. They call me funny, smart, kind, entertaining. Heck, they’re even awestruck by my unabashed commitment to performance when we play charades! These same people tell me that I am talented, that I see things in special and unique ways and that it is a good thing. They encourage me to share my thoughts and photography, because they see a value in my unique perspective and my heart that I don’t see myself.

Truthfully, I think that is the part that confounds me the most. The fact that I am surrounded by people who support and encourage me, who are always speaking truth into my life and reminding me that I am, by the grace of God, enough and worthy. Yet in spite of all that, I often listen to my own mind, which just sits there and calmly instills doubt by whispering: “yeah, but…”

I wish I could say that I have figured out a cure for insecurities or that I am making some new resolution, but if I had a solution for my insecurities, I wouldn’t have them anymore and I wouldn’t have written this post. I mostly just felt the need to share. If you made it this far, thanks for listening and I hope you got something of value from this. Even if it is nothing more than the desire to start referring to your insecurities as funny little bunnies. I kinda want to.

Taking a Little Time…

Well, hello again!

I know it has been a while since my last post and I honestly wish I had a good reason for the hiatus… I don’t. Apparently I am just very inconsistent in my writing, but what’s life without a little room for improvement? So if you are one of the few who follow my blog, thank you for sticking with me. If you completely forgot that you were following my blog, hopefully this will be a pleasant interruption to your regularly scheduled programing. And if by some miracle you happen to be new here, welcome!

A friend has recently been encouraging me to put myself out there and start writing again, which luckily, coincided with my need for a creative outlet (let’s just say my nine to five only fulfills the need to pay my bills). So I am glad to be back, sharing my experiences with you and hopefully trying some fresh endeavors too. Unfortunately, I think 2020 took my reclusive tendencies and turned them up to eleven, so I have some bad habits that will need breaking. All that being said, I am working on a different style of post than usual and wanted to share some of the enjoyable stories and exploits that are happening through out my journey with you.

Now, my current undertaking is to write more of an online travel guide that will share some of my favorite drives and adventures that I have been on; specifically focusing on the Peak to Peak Highway here in Colorado, currently, which runs between Black Hawk and Estes Park. It has been a go-to drive of mine for quite a few years and I am excited to share all the little spots I have fallen in love with along the way. Because I want to make sure and offer you the best guide I can, I have been making a point to do a little more research and am taking a lot more stops than I have in the past. As such, this last weekend not only gave me the opportunity to explore some new things, it also reminded me why I started writing this blog a few years ago.

While on my drives, I tend to plow straight through any towns and instead focus on basking in the glorious creation that is nature, but this time I intentionally headed directly for Nederland, Colorado with the purpose of research. Call me weird if you want, but I have always thought it was important to try things before recommending them to others. Granted there is always that perception caveat, right? Just because I found something enjoyable doesn’t necessarily mean you will, because we all have different backgrounds and will perceive things differently. Don’t worry, once I figure out how to not only experience things through my viewpoint, but also instantaneously through the viewpoints of others, I will share that secret. I mean, that right there could be the first step to understanding other people and ultimately world peace, but I digress. (Philosophical Thought Box – Check!)

So this weekend I traveled solo, which I like, because instead of my focus being on my friends and whether they are having fun and enjoying the trip, I get to go into it with minimal expectations and an increased awareness of the people and things around me, rather than being mostly concerned with my travel group. This solo travel mentality always lends itself to either noticing great quirks or talking to new people, often locals. For an example of quirks, every establishment I went to in Nederland had some form of sign that said “be nice or leave,” which is lovely and made me chuckle, because it is important to set boundaries, even with tourists.

But my highlight that day had to be meeting Russa. She was a retired “Educational Assistant in the Transportation Department” (a.k.a. – School Bus Driver. She gave her description with quite the mischievous glint in her eye) and she moved to Nederland over 26 years ago. I can honestly say that I never would have met her had I not been travelling alone that day. I was waiting in line for coffee when I overheard her telling the coffee shop owner a punny joke (“what do you call a cow with no legs?… ground beef”) and just had to share one that I learned years ago. We ended up sitting near each other outside and chatting while we consumed our drinks. She had such a vibrant personality and we had a similar sense of humor, so we had a great chat chalk full of stories about Nederland history, tales of her escapades (let’s just say someone, may have driven their car across the pedestrian bridge shortly after it was built, and that someone wasn’t me), and she even shared some funny stories about “the tourists.” It honestly made my day.

So if you have the chance when stopping in a small town, take a little time and chat with a local while visiting their town. Because they are there all year round and are the people who give that town the heart and personality that you are enjoying.

Peak-to-Peak Byway

The Peak-to-Peak Byway runs from Black Hawk to Estes Park and is hands down one of my favorite drives in Colorado. It is a calm drive with gorgeous views, but there are also multiple places you can pull off and experience something new and unique.

In this guide I will cover a lot of different activities and stops located along the Peak-to-Peak Byway, but don’t feel like you have to do them all. I will show you a drive you can do in an afternoon, with enough stops to make it a week-long trip if you wanted. So feel free to read every word of this guide or just skim through and find your favorites.

Table of Contents

The City of Black Hawk

Golden Gate Canyon State Park

Moffat Tunnel

Nederland

Allenspark

Estes Park

If you are starting this drive from Denver and have some extra time, I highly recommend making your way to Black Hawk by weaving through Clear Creek Canyon on US Hwy 6. Along with beautiful canyon views, this route offers multiple pull-offs and trailheads. Be sure to visit the Peak to Plains Trail website for more information on the recreation opportunities available in Clear Creek Canyon, as well as the latest updates on closures and visit guidelines.

City of Black Hawk

At the start of the Peak-to-Peak Byway is the City of Black Hawk, which was established in 1859 during the Colorado Gold Rush. Since 1991, however, it has become known for a gold rush of a different kind, as it now generates over 85% of Colorado’s gaming revenue.1 In addition to the multiple casinos, spas, and resorts, the city of Black Hawk prides itself on its history and devotes a portion of their revenue to restoring and preserving their historic buildings.

In town, Black Hawk doesn’t fall short in the entertainment department. With 25 casinos, multiple restaurants, resorts, and a self-guided sculpture tour, there are so many options to choose from.

If you prefer to enjoy the great outdoors, the city of Black Hawk has some fantastic new hiking and biking trails under way. The Hidden Treasure Trailhead is located right off of CO Hwy 119 just north of Black Hawk. With roughly 13.4 miles of proposed trails, you will want to make sure to return as the trail project continues to develop.2 Personally, I enjoyed hiking along the historic tramway trail which has a beautiful overlook of Black Hawk.

Lastly, my personal recommendation for a quick bite or some coffee would have to be The B & C. It opened its doors in March of 2020, and offers a full range of coffee choices along with deli sandwiches, all-day breakfast, and ice cream; they also have free WiFi if your needs are more tech based. It’s not a full-sized sit-down restaurant, but it is my favorite place to stop in for a sandwich before driving the Peak-to-Peak. It is a true treat to chat while they fix up your order, so make sure to bring your sense of humor with you, because the employees are a quick-witted barrel of laughs.

For more resources on what to do in Black Hawk, check out the links below:

Restaurants

Sculpture Tour

Golden Gate Canyon State Park

Our next stop on the Peak-to-Peak Byway is Golden Gate Canyon State Park. Spread out over more than 12,000 acres, the park has over 40 miles of multiuse trails and some exquisite views3. Golden Gate Canyon SP has quickly become my go-to for hiking, picnicking, or just enjoying nature. For the one million plus annual park visitors, Golden Gate Canyon offers fishingponds, back-country hiking/camping, a designated hunting area, RV/tent campsites, cabins, yurts, and multiple day-hiking options.

There are two parts of the park that I always make a point to see when visiting: driving Mountain Base Road and stopping at Panorama Point. Along Mountain Base Road you will find multiple trailheads for day hikes as well as a few picnic sites with tables. The best part about that drive though is the views, so as you move along the winding road be sure to keep your eyes out for towering cliffs, peaceful valleys, majestic mountains, and various wildlife. As for Panorama Point, I can’t accurately describe it without sounding like “America the Beautiful,” so instead I will just share this picture.

Moffat Tunnel

If you are a history buff who can’t get enough, then you may enjoy seeking out the east portal of the Moffat Tunnel. The tunnel was built between June 1923 and February 1927 with President Coolidge setting off the final blasts via telegraph.4 The first trains passed through Moffat Tunnel in February of 1928. The tunnel is still in use today as an important pass through the Continental Divide for both freight and passenger trains.5 During the construction phase, “camps” were established at both portals. These camps were complete with housing, schools, hospitals, and even recreation facilities; some buildings of which are still visible today.

Important note: The road out to the east portal of Moffat Tunnel is a dirt road with many ruts and dips. While it is possible to make it with a front-wheel drive sedan in good conditions, I would recommend taking a vehicle with AWD or 4×4 and a higher ground clearance to be safe.

Nederland

Nederland is a delightful town that has seen some ups and downs since it was incorporated in 1874. With much of its economy originally centered around the Caribou Mine, its population would rise and fall with the booms and busts of silver and tungsten mining from the late 1800s to the early 1900s.

In the second half of the 20th century, Nederland experienced its latest boom in population which has lasted into the 21st century, as “hippies,” artisans, and musicians moved into the area and cultivated a thriving music and arts scene.6 Between the natural beauty of the landscape and the arts scene, Nederland provides a variety of experiences in which to partake.

One of the more visually striking experiences is Barker Meadow Reservoir. Located less than a mile from downtown Nederland, Barker Meadow Reservoir is a beautiful place to have a picnic after grabbing food from one of the local restaurants. In addition to picnicking, the reservoir also has opportunities for fishing and hiking. As tempting as it may be to jump in, swimming, wading, boating, etc., are unfortunately prohibited, as the reservoir is a water source for the city of Boulder.

The Train Cars Coffee and Yogurt Company is a wonderful spot with a cozy feel and plenty of history. Constructed with three different railcars that were built between 1872 and 19107, it is a very pleasant experience to grab a drink and walk through the cars to see the structure, design, and unique quirks of these history boxes on wheels. In addition to coffee and teas, they offer sandwiches, smoothies, and desserts.

The Carousel of Happiness is an enchanting ride with an inspiring story. This restored 1910 carousel features a 1913 Wurlitzer band organ and 56 hand-carved animals. Scott Harrison, a Vietnam veteran, carved all the animals as a therapeutic project after returning from the war, thus giving it the name Carousel of Happiness, as it helped to restore his joy.

Lastly, Mud Lake is one of my personal favorite places to stop at when visiting Nederland. Just shy of three miles past Nederland, Mud Lake is a serene and peaceful open space with miles of trails for hiking, mountain biking, and equestrian use which include a link to the Caribou Ranch Open Space. The calm water and full forest provide a lovely habitat for a variety of creatures and a plethora of viewing opportunities for naturalists.

Further Resources for your visit to Nederland:

Restaurants

Official Visitor’s Guide

Allenspark

A small town south of Rocky Mountain National Park, Allenspark is worth taking a few minutes to support. The Old Gallery is a local center for arts, visitors, and the community. They have an art gallery featuring 28 local artists, photographers, weavers, quilters, and more. In addition to the art gallery, they also act as a visitor and community center by providing tourist information, public restrooms, a playground, and snack shop, as well as a community closet, classes, and a food bank.

Another unique attraction for the Allenspark area is Saint Catherine’s Chapel, located at the base of Mount Meeker and part of the Camp St. Malo center. Also known as the Chapel on the Rock, it is a lovely bit of stone architecture set against a mountainous backdrop. It is open to visitors, but I would recommend visiting their Facebook page to check for closures, as it is an active Catholic Chapel and is occasionally closed to the public due to weddings and other private events.

Estes Park

Lastly, if you are looking to do all the things, look no further than Estes Park. A tourist hotspot along the Peak-to-Peak, it is not only the perfect basecamp for your adventures into Rocky Mountain National Park, but has an abundance of options when it comes to lodging, restaurants, shops, and more.

Since there is so much to enjoy in Estes Park, allow me to make just a few personal recommendations and I will leave you to explore the rest of Estes Park’s offerings.

First, the shopping scene along Elkhorn Avenue is bountiful! If you are visiting from out of state and want to have your pick of the litter when it comes to souvenirs, Estes will not leave you wanting. Offering everything from shirts, to knickknacks, to salt water taffy, the locally owned shops have a variety of treasures to take home and share with family or friends. If you are like me and not always the biggest fan of crowds, then I recommend taking the river walk that runs along the south side of Elkhorn Avenue. It provides easy access to most of the shops while also offering the serenity of walking along a portion of the Big Thompson River.

Second, and this will come as no surprise: Rocky Mountain National Park (RMNP). Consisting of over 415 square miles (1075+ Sq. km), RMNP was the fourth most visited National Park in 2020 boasting 3.3 million visitors even in the midst of a global pandemic.8 It has 124 peaks, 147 lakes, and approximately 355 miles (571 km) of hiking trails.9 To put it plainly, you could spend weeks exploring RMNP’s wildlife and natural landscapes.

There is one experience not to be overlooked and it can only be found at night. Stargazing, specifically astrophotography, is my absolute favorite and the number one reason you will find me in RMNP. Those 124 peaks help to block some of the light pollution and it results in the ability to see countless stars. In late summer you can see the cloudy haze of the Milky-Way Galaxy stretch across the sky and with the right camera settings, you can capture some awe-inspiring photos.

If you are planning on checking out Rocky Mountain National Park, be sure to visit their website for closures and requirements. Since 2020, they have been requiring timed entry permits during the peak season.

Further Resources for Your Visit to Estes Park:

Visit Estes Park

Rocky Mountain NP

History of Estes Park

Lastly, to finish off this Peak-to-Peak adventure, driving back towards I-25 via US Hwy 34 is my favorite option. Weaving its way alongside the Big Thompson River, this route offers some spectacular views, particularly in the late afternoon as the light illuminates the jagged walls of the canyon.

I truly hope as you take the time to explore this beautiful part of Colorado, you experience the same awe and peace that I do each time I go for this drive. It is by far my favorite drive and a go-to whenever I have a few hours. Happy travels, friend!

So… This is 2020?

Wow.

What. A. Year…

I don’t know about all of you, but 2020 has left me speechless at every turn. It feels as though I spend my time oscillating between sadness, outrage, and trying to be grateful for what I do have. My heart aches and has been torn apart by personal tragedy and from all the injustice I have seen in the news. I am livid at the fact that their are still so many people who are blinded by their greed or hatred and behave accordingly, even though so many in our country are struggling. Like I said… Speechless.

I know that I haven’t posted for quite a while. Honestly, I wasn’t sure what to write. Even before Covid-19 hit, my year was a climbing, plummeting, swirling, corkscrew of a roller coaster and I was still trying to get my bearings. It makes me chuckle when I look at my drafts folder on this blog too.

Drafts Folder

Wanting to write on “Accepting Change”, as if I am any good at it. I have always struggled with change, even if I was excited about the changes: Moving in with friends, traveling, going back to school. Every time I would freak out and panic. Crying even though I was happy and excited (in case you didn’t hear it in the text, I just rolled my eyes… at myself). Then in February, I was all ready to write again. Ready to share my plans about visiting Canada and reminiscing about the summer I got to spend up north 9 years ago. I was glowing with the prospect! I sent in my passport for renewal, calculated the driving hours, planned all the places I wanted to visit. I was positive that everything would blow over in a couple of months and I could still have the summer vacation that I wanted. Well, the US government still has my passport and I am sure you can guess the rest with regards to how my summer actually went.

Alas, I am still blessed. I have a job, a home, food, a car, and family/friends who care about and love me. I have still gotten to do some great things. I got to go to Texas for the first time and went to a beach on the gulf. I have taken so many local mountain drives and learned about so many hidden gems here in Colorado. Virus or not, I have gone on adventures, floated on lakes, and basked in the beauty of nature. I have made the most of my summer, chosen to roll with the punches and continued count my blessings.

So my question to you is:

2020 – What will you do with it?